I'm sick.Last Saturday afternoon, my housemate Tuz Kuang was admitted into Putra Hospital for Dengue fever.He is still there.His platelet count is low,but he will survive.Haven't gone and seen him.
I'm sick.Last Saturday evening as I was staying over in FGA's house 3 for the girl leaders' overnight retreat,I developed fever.Mild fever.I still have it. 37.4 degrees celcius.Do I have dengue?I don't know.Nobody does.We'll have to wait and see.Sunday was all hot flushes and sweating.But I told no one.
I'm sick.Today is Monday and I went to Pusat Kesihatan UPM to see a doctor.No fever detected.Blood pressure normal,appetite normal.Doctor says,we'll wait and see.In the meantime, Panadol and Vitamin C, and drink lots of water.
I'm sick, and my mum is worried sick.My housemates are paranoid, and the mosquitoes are still biting me, even though I've sprayed,turned on the VapeMat and rubbed repellent on my exposed skin.Very persistent creatures.There's something to learn.
I'm sick.Saturday evening as I was sitting down in a chat group with some other girl leaders,I told them about the list.
The list of "Definitions".It's a list I wrote one night,of all
the people that have ever hurt me in one way or another.I'm sick .Hence the list.I still keep it.I haven't come to a point where I want to burn and forget it.I know what God's telling me.Burn it .Let it go.Forgive.But I can't.Not yet.It's blocking me from Him.I know.
Don't try to post advice. I have enough.I already know what's right.I already know what should be done.Don't need you to tell me what to do.Don't assume you know what's going on in my life.Don't assume you're right*Whatever*I don't care.If you want to do something for me,here's what to do.Listen to me.
I'm sick.I'm fed-up.I'm just so sick.
Of people who think they're better than me.
Of people who think I'm stupid, just because i joke a lot.
Of people who assume that its their job to discipline me and tell me off,and are convinced they're doing the right thing.
Of people who talk to me as though I'm retarded.
Of inconciderate people who don't let me sleep at night because of
their noise.
Of people who think they're holier than me ,so they say things like, maybe it's you who is wrong that's why blah blah.
Yeah i know i'm wrong.It's always me .I make people hurt me.I'm horrible.That's why i deserve it.
One day I might just explode, and take something and start blasting these people's guts out.
Because i'm just so sick.I really feel like killing something.
Note:I'm serious.I don't don't need advice.I lost count after unwanted advice number 1544 or something.I need ears.Nobody's listening.They all seem to be talking.I think none of the advice worked because none af them actually listened.They just talked.and talked and talked.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
There and Back Again
Two weeks of holiday have been declared by Upm to celebrate Deepa-Raya, starting last Friday,21st Oct to Nov 6th.
But I declare my own holidays now , as all final year students do because of our work commitments.Last Thurs the 20th Oct, after presenting my seminar on Monoclonal Antibodies and sitting for a French Oral test, I drove home to Melaka.Arrived after dark.That was the last day of the semester.
Spent 5 glorious days of nothing doing. Nothing. eat,sleep watch tv,sleep some more.Nothing constructive.And it did wonders for me, now I feel all refreshed.At home, got to eat all the things I missed.Chicken rice balls, satay celup etc,etc.
Then on Wednesday the 26th drove back to Serdang.Arrived at about 6.30pm and was in time to attend Melody's Final Graduation Piano recital at 8pm .She's a TSF/UPM senior, and a music student.This is her final sem.Recital was awesome.She played 4 pieces, Bach,Chopin, Schubert and Wang Jian-Zhong's Liuyang River.After that the whole tSF leadership team and some of us who didn't go back(who were all there to support her) went out for mamak.There were like 50 of us at the (joined) tables.Headache for Uncle,who had to take our orders gradually, like scales.Nice experience for me,cause I've never heard Mel play classical, because in church it's always contemporary when she's song-leading or on the keyboards.
Yesterday was Thursday.Back to the lab.I'm missing the protocols for total carbohydrate analysis of my tempeh extract.Suppose to see Hamim.Where's Hamim? Celebrating an early Raya.Really good news.Now how am I going to assay for sugars?
Oh,no! Dr. Mat Noor is gone too.Now what?Guess I'm on my own.
Borrowed 3 books from the library to fill up my time at night.The Handmaid's tale, Reindeer season,and Brothers Grimm complete collection.
Tomorrow is Saturday.Guy Sebastian is coming to FGA with a team from Paradise church, and I don't fancy him.Haha.Doesn't matter.After that, staying over at House 1 with the other girl TSF leaders for a slumber party.A weekend it is.
Finals for me starts on the 11th of November.Two papers.Statistics and Spanish 1. 6days after that French 2 and three days after that Immunology.
After that,who knows when I can go home again?Maybe before Christmas.No promises.
A big THANK YOU to mum, Joseph Raj(appa) and Dr. Khaty for giving me a ring before I presented the seminar.It helped calm my nerves ,that all of you care.
My literature review is done, but unwritten, and my sauce is going fine.Thanks for asking.
Note:Professor Dr. Khatijah Mohd. Yusoff (or Dr. Khaty as everybody calls her)is my superb seminar supervisor.One of those teachers you never forget.She couldn't attend my seminar because she was ill, but called me beforehand to inform me,and wish all the best.How many ppl do that?
But I declare my own holidays now , as all final year students do because of our work commitments.Last Thurs the 20th Oct, after presenting my seminar on Monoclonal Antibodies and sitting for a French Oral test, I drove home to Melaka.Arrived after dark.That was the last day of the semester.
Spent 5 glorious days of nothing doing. Nothing. eat,sleep watch tv,sleep some more.Nothing constructive.And it did wonders for me, now I feel all refreshed.At home, got to eat all the things I missed.Chicken rice balls, satay celup etc,etc.
Then on Wednesday the 26th drove back to Serdang.Arrived at about 6.30pm and was in time to attend Melody's Final Graduation Piano recital at 8pm .She's a TSF/UPM senior, and a music student.This is her final sem.Recital was awesome.She played 4 pieces, Bach,Chopin, Schubert and Wang Jian-Zhong's Liuyang River.After that the whole tSF leadership team and some of us who didn't go back(who were all there to support her) went out for mamak.There were like 50 of us at the (joined) tables.Headache for Uncle,who had to take our orders gradually, like scales.Nice experience for me,cause I've never heard Mel play classical, because in church it's always contemporary when she's song-leading or on the keyboards.
Yesterday was Thursday.Back to the lab.I'm missing the protocols for total carbohydrate analysis of my tempeh extract.Suppose to see Hamim.Where's Hamim? Celebrating an early Raya.Really good news.Now how am I going to assay for sugars?
Oh,no! Dr. Mat Noor is gone too.Now what?Guess I'm on my own.
Borrowed 3 books from the library to fill up my time at night.The Handmaid's tale, Reindeer season,and Brothers Grimm complete collection.
Tomorrow is Saturday.Guy Sebastian is coming to FGA with a team from Paradise church, and I don't fancy him.Haha.Doesn't matter.After that, staying over at House 1 with the other girl TSF leaders for a slumber party.A weekend it is.
Finals for me starts on the 11th of November.Two papers.Statistics and Spanish 1. 6days after that French 2 and three days after that Immunology.
After that,who knows when I can go home again?Maybe before Christmas.No promises.
A big THANK YOU to mum, Joseph Raj(appa) and Dr. Khaty for giving me a ring before I presented the seminar.It helped calm my nerves ,that all of you care.
My literature review is done, but unwritten, and my sauce is going fine.Thanks for asking.
Note:Professor Dr. Khatijah Mohd. Yusoff (or Dr. Khaty as everybody calls her)is my superb seminar supervisor.One of those teachers you never forget.She couldn't attend my seminar because she was ill, but called me beforehand to inform me,and wish all the best.How many ppl do that?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
The 2 posts
I had written two posts for this blog in the past week, written them down on paper.But they were both not suitable to print.
The first post I wrote was called "definitions". It's a list people's bad habits.People I have met throughout my life, who have hurt me most deeply. There's definitions of
'Greed', "Impertinance", "Stupidity" , all that sort of thing.Written on a night when I was feeling particularly vengeful and grudgeful,which is bad.
The second post-on-paper is called "Conversations with Emma".About this talk I had with my friend Emma( love life guru and romance extraodinaire) about some personal stuff.She gave me some useful advice(from experience):
1)If you liked someone for forever,but he/she still doesn't know you exist, don't try to forget him/her.Don't run.You'll suffer.Just remain friends.Never run.(Which is what I've always been doing).Running physically okay, but not heart-wise.
2)One day the fella you've liked for forever will notice you( when she said this I sniggered because it'll never happen to me)
3)Stop holding on out of habit.Start opening up to other people.
That's all I'm revealing.The details are on paper,in a file, in a cupboard, in my room, in my apartment, in Serdang, in Selangor,blah,blah,yada,yada.
I'm happy when I think of the miracles He gave me.Like last last Saturday. I was sent by my faculty to listen to a postgraduate scholarship briefing.It was in KL,Jlan Sultan Ismail.After the briefing, at 4.00pm, I asked the abang who was fetching us(me & my fellow fac. representatives) whether he was going to pass Jln Kuchai Lama, that's where my church is. Service suppose to start at 6pm.I know that if I went back all the way to campus, and drove to church, I'll be late.The abang thought a while, and said sorry,no.The miracle is this, as the driver was taking the Sungai Besi road back to campus, he found it extremely jammed. So he took a detour into......Jalan Kuchai Lama.Hahaha!
So I took the chance to ask whether he could drive me to church.He said okay willingly, and there I was, driven to the doorstep.Not a coincidence.Definitely divine.Anyway, my friend Dayah who was in the NAZA KIA with me made me promise to call her if anything happened once I left the car.The NAZA KIA was so cool.It's new.The Faculty just bought it.Me and my friends were poking around when we borded, testing buttons, pulling down armrests.Even the plastic wraps were still on.If only I had so much money.....
Next story..Yesterday was waiting for the bus to church with Flo, Jasmine Ng and Jasonlim, who was reading a paper.He pointed out that this facewash company was having a contest where people sent their pictures in, and if you were gorgeous enough your pix was printed.And they gave you RM100 prize money.It was call the gorgeous face contest or something like that.
So unfair.I said to Flo.Giving money to someone just for being pretty.That's so unfair.What about fat ugly people like me.
Flo shrugged and said, the world loves beauty, and it is indeed unfair.That will never change.
So what about fat ugly people like me?
The first post I wrote was called "definitions". It's a list people's bad habits.People I have met throughout my life, who have hurt me most deeply. There's definitions of
'Greed', "Impertinance", "Stupidity" , all that sort of thing.Written on a night when I was feeling particularly vengeful and grudgeful,which is bad.
The second post-on-paper is called "Conversations with Emma".About this talk I had with my friend Emma( love life guru and romance extraodinaire) about some personal stuff.She gave me some useful advice(from experience):
1)If you liked someone for forever,but he/she still doesn't know you exist, don't try to forget him/her.Don't run.You'll suffer.Just remain friends.Never run.(Which is what I've always been doing).Running physically okay, but not heart-wise.
2)One day the fella you've liked for forever will notice you( when she said this I sniggered because it'll never happen to me)
3)Stop holding on out of habit.Start opening up to other people.
That's all I'm revealing.The details are on paper,in a file, in a cupboard, in my room, in my apartment, in Serdang, in Selangor,blah,blah,yada,yada.
I'm happy when I think of the miracles He gave me.Like last last Saturday. I was sent by my faculty to listen to a postgraduate scholarship briefing.It was in KL,Jlan Sultan Ismail.After the briefing, at 4.00pm, I asked the abang who was fetching us(me & my fellow fac. representatives) whether he was going to pass Jln Kuchai Lama, that's where my church is. Service suppose to start at 6pm.I know that if I went back all the way to campus, and drove to church, I'll be late.The abang thought a while, and said sorry,no.The miracle is this, as the driver was taking the Sungai Besi road back to campus, he found it extremely jammed. So he took a detour into......Jalan Kuchai Lama.Hahaha!
So I took the chance to ask whether he could drive me to church.He said okay willingly, and there I was, driven to the doorstep.Not a coincidence.Definitely divine.Anyway, my friend Dayah who was in the NAZA KIA with me made me promise to call her if anything happened once I left the car.The NAZA KIA was so cool.It's new.The Faculty just bought it.Me and my friends were poking around when we borded, testing buttons, pulling down armrests.Even the plastic wraps were still on.If only I had so much money.....
Next story..Yesterday was waiting for the bus to church with Flo, Jasmine Ng and Jasonlim, who was reading a paper.He pointed out that this facewash company was having a contest where people sent their pictures in, and if you were gorgeous enough your pix was printed.And they gave you RM100 prize money.It was call the gorgeous face contest or something like that.
So unfair.I said to Flo.Giving money to someone just for being pretty.That's so unfair.What about fat ugly people like me.
Flo shrugged and said, the world loves beauty, and it is indeed unfair.That will never change.
So what about fat ugly people like me?
Sunday, October 09, 2005
A Love So....
Powerful that it carries you through anything, never lets you go, even if you've forgotten about it,so many times. A Love that never lets you down, never disappoints, never cheats on you, and will never leave you.If you're my friend, and you're reading this,then this is for you.If you don't know me, this is for you too.
I have lived 22 plus years on earth, and have enjoyed this love for so long, but have never told you about Him. About Jesus. Please don't turn off your PCs or log out of this page.If you already have a relationship with the Lord,that's great. If you don't know Him deeply, personally,please stay,hear me out.I never told anyone about Jesus when I was in school because I didn't want anyone to think I was a religious fanatic. But that's all irrelevant now.If I don't tell you today, I'm scared there's no more chance.Jesus is not a religion. With Him , it's a relationship, like with a parent, like with a best Friend. He's not a statue on the wall that we burn candles to, mutter incantations to or do rituals to.He is the one we run to in times of trouble, He's the one that gives us hugs when we need it the most, He's the one we cry to in the dark of night, when it seems that the whole world has turn it's back on us.He's the one who LOVES us when it seems that nobody does.He's the one who CARES so much he aches when you're depressed, and cries with you when you cry.
I have this with the Lord Jesus. Always had it.I don't know why, but these few nights it just hit me, that I'm being selfish like nothing, if I have something so REAL, but I'm keeping it to myself, because I'm scared of a stupid thing like what you think of me.Steph, Sin-lin, SuBing,and all the rest, I'm talking to you. I don't care anymore if you think I'm weird.I'm stark raving mad for all I care.
You guys are special to me, and I have this wonderful news, I can't keep it inside forever, I just have to share it because I love you guys.Jesus loves you ,always have.Always will. I know you're thinking,so what, christianity is just another religion. It's not a religion.Religion is where you go to a place of worship and find God. With Jesus, it's a relationship, God finds you. I repeat, God finds you.Searches for you, Knocking on your heart, asking to be let in.
I know sometimes in life I screw up, behave like garbage. Please don't reject what I have to say because of that.I'm not good at arguing theoretical stuff.I'm not good at defining concepts, explaining deep religious doctrines.All i say now is done in faith, and from experience.I've experienced a God who has never let me down, who is my Father and my best friend. He offers me so much security.
Some of you know the feeling of falling in love,( or imagining it). The euphoria, the flying feeling, Freedom. The feeling that "I can do anything now that my girlfriend/boyfriend is with me."
That's what I have with God. I understand some of you don't believe me, because God has always been somebody "high-up-there" that you can't touch.
He died for you,yes, for each of you, so that the He can touch you, and you can connect to Him.He died for you so that the "FAR UP THere" concept can be thrown away.
My hands are shaking right now. I'm not selling you a product. I won't be "sacked" from the arms of God if I don't meet a "quota".I'm not pressuring you.It's not about that.I love you. That's why I'm telling you this. Even if you think all this is crap, I'll still be your friend, still love you, and still want to meet up with you when we're both free.
He is real. I'm not imagining stuff up.And this is not an emotional burst type of thing. Please call or e-mail me if you wanna talk more.I'll always have ears.
I have lived 22 plus years on earth, and have enjoyed this love for so long, but have never told you about Him. About Jesus. Please don't turn off your PCs or log out of this page.If you already have a relationship with the Lord,that's great. If you don't know Him deeply, personally,please stay,hear me out.I never told anyone about Jesus when I was in school because I didn't want anyone to think I was a religious fanatic. But that's all irrelevant now.If I don't tell you today, I'm scared there's no more chance.Jesus is not a religion. With Him , it's a relationship, like with a parent, like with a best Friend. He's not a statue on the wall that we burn candles to, mutter incantations to or do rituals to.He is the one we run to in times of trouble, He's the one that gives us hugs when we need it the most, He's the one we cry to in the dark of night, when it seems that the whole world has turn it's back on us.He's the one who LOVES us when it seems that nobody does.He's the one who CARES so much he aches when you're depressed, and cries with you when you cry.
I have this with the Lord Jesus. Always had it.I don't know why, but these few nights it just hit me, that I'm being selfish like nothing, if I have something so REAL, but I'm keeping it to myself, because I'm scared of a stupid thing like what you think of me.Steph, Sin-lin, SuBing,and all the rest, I'm talking to you. I don't care anymore if you think I'm weird.I'm stark raving mad for all I care.
You guys are special to me, and I have this wonderful news, I can't keep it inside forever, I just have to share it because I love you guys.Jesus loves you ,always have.Always will. I know you're thinking,so what, christianity is just another religion. It's not a religion.Religion is where you go to a place of worship and find God. With Jesus, it's a relationship, God finds you. I repeat, God finds you.Searches for you, Knocking on your heart, asking to be let in.
I know sometimes in life I screw up, behave like garbage. Please don't reject what I have to say because of that.I'm not good at arguing theoretical stuff.I'm not good at defining concepts, explaining deep religious doctrines.All i say now is done in faith, and from experience.I've experienced a God who has never let me down, who is my Father and my best friend. He offers me so much security.
Some of you know the feeling of falling in love,( or imagining it). The euphoria, the flying feeling, Freedom. The feeling that "I can do anything now that my girlfriend/boyfriend is with me."
That's what I have with God. I understand some of you don't believe me, because God has always been somebody "high-up-there" that you can't touch.
He died for you,yes, for each of you, so that the He can touch you, and you can connect to Him.He died for you so that the "FAR UP THere" concept can be thrown away.
My hands are shaking right now. I'm not selling you a product. I won't be "sacked" from the arms of God if I don't meet a "quota".I'm not pressuring you.It's not about that.I love you. That's why I'm telling you this. Even if you think all this is crap, I'll still be your friend, still love you, and still want to meet up with you when we're both free.
He is real. I'm not imagining stuff up.And this is not an emotional burst type of thing. Please call or e-mail me if you wanna talk more.I'll always have ears.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Recycled for the Killing Cycle
That's what I've been reading for the past hour(or part of it).Got an immunology test coming up this Friday the 7th of October,and a spanish quiz tomorrow.Brain is on overdrive, and I haven't been back home for almost 2 months.I miss my bed and air-con at home, but I can't complain.Somewhere in this house my housemate Tuz Kuang and his crazy coursemates are trying to edit a movie they shot for an assignment, and the apartment can sometimes be filled with unnatural sound effects.The movie has something to do with a hero wearing rubber gloves that saves the world from a villain that looks like a rabbit wearing shorts outside, you get the picture. They're all IT students.I've always found IT students quaint.
Two Saturdays ago. attended Jennifer's and my ex-housemates' convo.And it Was CRAZY. I had to run around dewan besar looking for 7 people,giving them flowers and taking pictures.Somewhat like express dating.But it was cool cos' Jen bought us (me and Esther and Xiao)ice cream later, before we rushed off to church.Later that night, gave Curly Long(YeeLeng,my senior) a surprise birthday party,that almost went awry.This is because Yun Yee(my junior) guffawed at the wrong time.Anyway, we were all at her apartment, hiding in her darkened room, waiting for her to come up,come in and then we'd jump on her with all the effects.That was the elaborate plan.However....SOmeBody started laughing(That's clumsy long for you).
So we improvised.
Clumsy: er-hek haha erhek
Us: die-lah. Plan ruined(in our heads)
Curly: Eh, somebody in my room! You ah, Dong(Doreen Phee,another senior,Curly's housemate,mostly blur)
Us: *dragging Dong, pulling her outside*
Dong: Er, yehs.Hehe
Clumsy: Guffaws again, trying to disguise it as a caugh
Curly: Hah! got somebody else.Yu-Jin, you ah?(a first-year junior,foodscience student,Fantastic cook,always hanging around their apartment)
Yu-Jin: Haiya, you so cleverlah,we wanted to surprise you .Now tak jadi.
(So the conversation goes on in that vein)Until Curly really walks into her room, and the rest of us pounce on her,for good measure.And everything works out fine in the end.Including the chocolate milkshakes.
These 2 weeks are prayer emphasis weeks for TSF, so tomorrow until Friday, I'm going on a normal fast(no solids, only water/liquids) and will be accompanied by all the Muslims cos' Ramadan starts tomorrow too.Difference is, they can break at dusk.I have to keep it up for 3 days straight.Which will be a challenge, since a Ramadan bazaar opens every evening right in front of my apartment block and will continue for the whole of the fasting season.Chia yu!
Two Saturdays ago. attended Jennifer's and my ex-housemates' convo.And it Was CRAZY. I had to run around dewan besar looking for 7 people,giving them flowers and taking pictures.Somewhat like express dating.But it was cool cos' Jen bought us (me and Esther and Xiao)ice cream later, before we rushed off to church.Later that night, gave Curly Long(YeeLeng,my senior) a surprise birthday party,that almost went awry.This is because Yun Yee(my junior) guffawed at the wrong time.Anyway, we were all at her apartment, hiding in her darkened room, waiting for her to come up,come in and then we'd jump on her with all the effects.That was the elaborate plan.However....SOmeBody started laughing(That's clumsy long for you).
So we improvised.
Clumsy: er-hek haha erhek
Us: die-lah. Plan ruined(in our heads)
Curly: Eh, somebody in my room! You ah, Dong(Doreen Phee,another senior,Curly's housemate,mostly blur)
Us: *dragging Dong, pulling her outside*
Dong: Er, yehs.Hehe
Clumsy: Guffaws again, trying to disguise it as a caugh
Curly: Hah! got somebody else.Yu-Jin, you ah?(a first-year junior,foodscience student,Fantastic cook,always hanging around their apartment)
Yu-Jin: Haiya, you so cleverlah,we wanted to surprise you .Now tak jadi.
(So the conversation goes on in that vein)Until Curly really walks into her room, and the rest of us pounce on her,for good measure.And everything works out fine in the end.Including the chocolate milkshakes.
These 2 weeks are prayer emphasis weeks for TSF, so tomorrow until Friday, I'm going on a normal fast(no solids, only water/liquids) and will be accompanied by all the Muslims cos' Ramadan starts tomorrow too.Difference is, they can break at dusk.I have to keep it up for 3 days straight.Which will be a challenge, since a Ramadan bazaar opens every evening right in front of my apartment block and will continue for the whole of the fasting season.Chia yu!
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